July's Miss Urkheimer - Honeysuckle Bowlin'

I know, I know, it is not quite the first of July but I did finish the Edward Gorey Neglected Murderess Calendar for the month. Next week will be a little busy by the time the first rolls around.

This month we have the dear dear Miss Q. P. Urkheimer. I named her Quintessa Pandora Urkheimer. . . Tessa for short. Dear Tessa was a bowling freak as in pins versus kitchen bowls. She probably would not have murdered her fiance if she had stayed in the kitchen, after all it was 1936. 1936 a year to remember. King Edward the 8th gave up his throne for "the woman he loved" a divorcee was Baltimore, Maryland, and they became known as the Duke and Duchess of Windsor.

That little quirky fact stuck in my brain because I did a college paper on it and it has nothing to do with dear Miss Tessa, presumably from Poxville, Kansas (which doesn't exist... oh Edward Gorey, you swine). Anyway, if Eddy can make it up, so can I. He can just draw better than me.

Did you know that archaeologists found evidence of bowling in a tomb around 5200 B.C. They found, yes - believe it - a "set of nine stone pins" in the tomb of an Egyptian child. However, Germany claims most of the credit for our modern version in the 4th or 5th century when a bowler rolled a ball down the aisle of a church at a club called the heathen. Hmmmmm, maybe I would have bowled better in my lifetime if it were in a church. My bowling sucks.

In September 1895 the American Bowling Congress was founded and the first tournament was held in 1901. I doubt that Q.P. was born yet. Anyway, in the story I made up, Miss Q.P. brained her football-obsessed finance after failing to pick up an easy spare. (You know, I was always ready to brain someone when I just strolled up to the lane.... where were the kiddy bumpers is all I asked....) 81 is great in golf but not bowling....

Yes, boys and girls, I digressed as I always do...anyway, Tessa pleaded "not guilty" by reason of sanity -- she noted that she knew exactly what she was doing. Rest in Peace "Wrong-Way" Pender. You done her wrong when you gave up the bowling ball for a football. WOW, his football looks really big .... like his head.... you know football jocks!

In the end, Tessa was convicted and lived out her life at Grover's Lane Prison right outside Poxville. Her family was able to visit her in the pen where she was known to be making pins for the local alley. Night, night, sweeties, may visions of bowling balls dance in your head. And remember she had a great right hook! You go Q.P.